A Journal Entry?

Idk, what this is I'm just ranting.....I think?

Ok, hi people.

Now I don’t know what to call this, but let’s say it’s a journal entry. I think it counts…….. right?

So my days recently have been kinda dull—no texts from friends, no talking stages, no one interested in me. Nothing fucking interests me and I hate it.What the actual fuck. Am I that boring? Yes.

I want to go back to school.

I miss my friends.

I miss the chaos. I miss the silent moments where I don’t have to be fully alone with my thoughts because I’m too busy focusing on my friends, my surroundings, and shit for school that I most times don’t even have time to think about my emotions.

I think I’ve always been the weird one. I always want to be included, but I feel so out of touch that I withdraw too. I’m happy I’m there, but I don’t think I connect with them like they connect with others, and I hate that.

Especially now when my friends are having babes or talking stages, and here I am with none (I kinda don’t want any). I’m happy for them, but now they don’t have my time and I don’t have their attention.Like why can’t we all just be single, have fun, and give me your attention till I get overstimulated from it?

But I’m happy for them and wish them lots of love… (I hope they crash and burn).

But I guess I’m a boring person. That’s probably why I don’t have anyone too.

But aside from my friends, school was actually hectic—from classes to projects to battling with depression. I actually hate my department and wish I could burn down my school because it’s honestly useless.

Like I got punished for not going to church and was told to sweep the road in front of my hostel and clean toilets… for NOT going to church. That’s modern-day slavery. It doesn’t make sense to me. Why should I attend a church where the only thing you preach about is lesbianism and how we are useless without a first class?

Like your church is fucking useless and I don’t want to attend it.

Also, I realised something, guyssss…

I don’t really miss them that much anymore.

Like I kinda get why I was dumped, so it’s fine. Plus I should have noticed the signs honestly. I still have love for them, I still care about them.

Do I miss the moments—the late-night smoke sessions, late-night walks and the rest? Yes.

Do I think about going back, begging, and wishing I could stalk them? Yes.

But I can’t because I’m too lazy to do that 😑

So for now, I’ll take whatever information I have or get on them. Plus I don’t think we aligned that much, and they probably saw that, and that’s probably one reason they broke up with me.

But oh well 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s in the past.

Hmmmm……

Also, I feel like a lot of people are more accepting of lesbians than gays. I know you’ve probably read this 100 times already, but this is my own take.

The idea of two women doing stuff excites a lot of men, and sometimes straight women. And for straight women—and sometimes queer women—there’s more excitement when consuming gay male media.

For men, the idea of two females touching each other for pleasure (or his pleasure) is so arousing, but the moment it’s two men, the world has ended.

Why would you touch your fellow man?

Why should you have any form of intimacy with your fellow man?

Very red-pill, alpha male shit. And I find that so annoying.

I’m not saying there isn’t criticism of lesbians, but it’s so much worse for gays—it’s almost not the same thing.

I watched a skit where a man saw two girls, and his friend told him they were lesbians. He then said he’s also a lesbian because he likes girls and still went ahead to approach them.

Now if it were men, it would be insults, degradation, and disgust.

And what’s even funnier is that most of them are DL, but because of society, they hide and criticise those who actually have the balls to be open.

Don’t even get me started on the internalised homophobia in the lesbian community.

Like why would a stud date a stud?

Or why should a fem date a fem?

Shouldn't it be stud date fem?

It’s actually funny. Or studs bringing down other women in front of their male friends for validation.

The worst are women beaters. Why? We are literally running from violent men, and you decide to become a violent woman to your partner?

Omo.

In my opinion, I don’t think lesbian relationships should have strict roles—we are both women (unless someone identifies differently). I don’t think there has to be masculine or feminine roles.

But if that’s what works for you, that’s fine too—just don’t make it a big deal or use it to judge others.

Anyways, I think we should all be loved and accepted for who we love. I don’t think that’s going to fix everything in the world, honestly.

I have a lot of wants recently:

I want to go to a rave.

I want a new piercing—especially back dermal.

I want to smoke and drink and get so fucked up high and drunk.

I want to try out new dishes.

I want to model, I really want to model.

I want to walk the runway.

I want to go to Paris.

I want to go somewhere where no one knows me, create a new persona, use a new name, and just have fun.

I want a lot of things.

I don’t think there’s a lot more I can rant about. I just wanted to say these things.

I’m quite a boring person… but I guess that’s fine too, because I think my friends love me that way and are not just pitying me.

But oh well.

Bye.

I guess that’s all till next time.